How to make your flight attendant not hate you

I read this article recently about how you, as a customer, can make the life of your bikini waxer easier. It’s pretty gross the things they have to deal with and I totally sympathised and thought it was fab idea for an article because there are just some people out there dumb enough to not shower before they get a bikini wax.

So I thought hey Jorgs, the public needs to know how they can make the life of a flight attendant easier too. And so this blog entry was born!

It never ceases to amaze me just how many people leave their brains at home when they go on a holiday. They completely forget to pack it. It’s the only reason I can think of for why they suddenly can’t read the ‘push’ sign on the toilet door, or think it’s okay to change their baby on a tray table THAT PEOPLE EAT FOOD OFF.

So here, dear friends, is how you can make your flight attendant not hate you (and not gossip viciously about you in the galley with his/her colleagues):

1)      Remember that there are other people on this flight too. If the plane is delayed and you are going to miss your connection, you’re not the only one facing this predicament. Chances are about 43946389578934 other passengers are too, and they’re not chasing down every crew member asking the same question in the hope of getting the answer they want. THE GROUND STAFF ARE ALREADY WORKING TO GET YOU ONTO ANOTHER FLIGHT. DON’T GET YOUR KNICKERS IN A TWIST.

2)      Don’t change your baby on the tray table. Or the seat. Or the floor. OR A CREW SEAT. There are change tables in the bathrooms. Seriously. Oh and don’t even think about handing me a dirty nappy and asking me to dispose of it for you. Ditto with bags full of vomit.

3)      Wear shoes to the bathroom. Don’t go in there barefoot. Or even with socks on. Most of the time that’s just water on the floor that people have splashed out accidently as they wash and dry their hands, but it’s still gross. Oh and there are certain cultures that wash their entire body from head to toe in those bathrooms with that water. WEAR YOUR SHOES.

4)      Don’t be a dickhead and drink too much. You’re an embarrassment. The crew will hate you.

5)      Also, don’t drink too much and then also take some kind of sleeping pill or the like. It almost never ends well.

6)      Don’t let your child crawl and play in the aisles when the meal cart is out. We don’t really want to run over little fingers or toes, but if we do, well, that’s your fault for not having any common sense and keeping your child out of the way for what is really only a very short time in a very long journey.

7)      Don’t bring a carry on that weighs 40 kilos. And then expect me to help you get it into the locker.

8)      Don’t freak out when you cannot put your bag in the locker directly above your seat because there is no room left. It’s not the end of the world – you CAN put it in another locker. And if you’re not happy with that, well, you should’ve boarded earlier.

9)      Try as best you can to keep your hands, elbows, knees, shoulders, feet and heads out of the aisle. The crew are going to be running up and down it about 65786948 times throughout the course of a 14 hour flight.

10)   Don’t come rushing up to the galley screeching that we missed you with the meal service when we have disappeared with our cart. We’re just re loading. These carts can’t fit 300 trays in them, only about 50. We will not forget you. You will get a meal.

11)   When you hand back your meal tray to me and you’ve stacked everything super high and neatly because you think it’ll be helpful – it’s not. The trays have to go back into the cart the same way they came out, so I have to dismantle and level out and flatten everything you just stacked up so that I can fit your tray back in. And definitely don’t pile two trays worth of cutlery and dishes onto one tray and then hand me the other empty tray. Again, you’ll just see me dismantling everything and putting one trays worth of stuff back onto that empty tray you just gave me so I can fit both trays back into the cart.

12)   When the seatbelt sign is on for turbulence or anything else, don’t get up. It’s on for a reason. You’re not special. You’re not exempt from this rule. Stay seated.

13)   Don’t annoy the crew when they’re having a quick break or bite to eat. They deserve a rest too.

14)   No, we do not do a 16 hour total duty to Los Angeles and then turn around and fly straight back. Think about it, before you ask this question.

15)   If you wanted an aisle/window/exit row/business class you should’ve got to the airport early and asked at check in or paid for the privilege. We cannot work miracles for you, especially when the flight is completely full.

16)   In the same vein, if you wanted a vegetarian/kids/diabetic/gluten free/fruit platter/low sodium/from the tree of Narnia special meal, you needed to order it beforehand. Like, 72 hours before your flight beforehand. Or, god forbid, when you actually booked your ticket and there was an option there to choose your meal. No we don’t have extras on board. It isn’t my fault you forgot to order one. And we’ll only make you up something from another class IF there is spare and IF the galley operator in that class is kind enough to do so.

17)   Don’t get up and down out of your seat every five seconds for the entire journey. You’re in the way. Just get the stuff out of your bag that you need and be done with it.

18)   Don’t be afraid to use your call bell. They’re there for a reason. But also, don’t overuse it. And teach your kids that that is the one button that doesn’t need to be pressed on the entertainment handset.

19)   No it’s not safe for your child to sleep on the floor. Would you like her to get kicked under a seat and trapped there in the event of an emergency? Would you like her to get trampled in an evacuation? Would you like her to fly up into the air in severe turbulence and smash her head on the ceiling because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt because she was on the floor? No, I didn’t think so.

20)   And finally, the most important one of all. Don’t talk/sleep/read during the safety demonstration. It’s very rude. You’re gonna wanna know where that life jacket is in an emergency, but if you’re talking right the way through the demo, well, I’m just sayin’, some crew might just be tempted to leave you behind if something dire did happen. Because you obviously know ALL there is to know about getting out of the aircraft quickly in an emergency.

I think that’s about all. Get to your seat as quickly as you can when you board and we’ll start off your flight on the right foot. Remember, when push comes to shove a flight attendant is there to save your life, not be your servant. Don’t treat them like something you’ve stepped on.

Happy flying!

Jorgs